NOTE: Before you ask, no, I'm not going to do an actual full-fledged thing. I wouldn't be able to piece it all together and make it resemble the original story in any way. It's been a while since I saw Clerks, anyway, so this might not fit in completely with the movie as it stands because I'm piecing it together from memory. Obligatory warning ahead. WARNING: This fic is kinda limish, and has a couple of scenes with explicit sexual language, though the act is not committed. After all, it's based on a Kevin Smith film. Just thought you might want to know. Also, you really should watch Clerks before reading this, because I've made some references to scenes that aren't in this fusion, namely because I couldn't find a way to fit them in. *** Scenes from Ranma Clerks A sort of anime/movie fusion thing By Lawrence Chu A Product of My Imagination Based on characters by Takahashi Rumiko and situations by Kevin Smith. Don't bother suing me, I'm broke. Really. I just spent my last amount of money buying myself a Neon Genesis Evangelion volume from the only store that sells English manga in Geneva. Don't tell my parents, though. *** [Scene: Tendo-ke. We see Ryouga and Akane laying about in the dojo, Akane playing with Ryouga's bandanna while the two of them are talking.] Akane: Men come, standard stuff. Making a woman come, though, that takes talent. And you have that talent. Ryouga: And how would you know? Akane: It's just based on my personal experience with all the men that I've had the goodly pleasure to have sex with. [Ryouga pushes her hand away from his bandanna.] Ryouga: And how many people would that be? Akane: ...three...including you. Ryouga: You've had sex with THREE MEN? Akane: ... Ryouga: [getting really steamed up now] Do you want to know how many people I'VE had sex with? One! You! Never anyone else! I wanted to save my innocence for you, and I did! Akane: [looking guiltily at the floor] ... Ryouga: AAUGH! BAKUSAI TEN-KETSU! [Blows a hole in the side of the dojo wall and exits] *** [Scene: Inside Tendo-ke. Akane and Ukyou are lounging in the kitchen, with Ukyou idly whipping up some okonomiyaki while reading the newspaper. Akane is pacing around nervously.] Ukyou: How many times has Ranma cheated on you in the past, anyway? Akane: Seven and a half. Ukyou: A half? Akane: You see, we were at a party, and I didn't even know he was there, and I went into a black room. All of a sudden, I was shoved on the bed and he starts doing it, missionary-style. Ukyou: That's cheating? Akane: [Starts to glow] He was screaming "Tsubasa" the entire time. Ukyou: I dunno. People say some weird stuff when they're having sex. One time I called a person "Genma." Akane: Yeah, he wandered into the wrong room. On the side, do you know who did go into Tsubasa's room that night? Ukyou: Who? Akane: Gosunkugi Hikaru. Ukyou: The voodoo kid? Akane: Yup. They fell in love and headed off to Okinawa together. Ukyou: Wow. [changes subject] Do you really think the two of you to can make up? Akane: Well, yeah. Ukyou: Well, maybe you can give him a call and all three of you can talk together. Akane: Three? Ukyou: You, Ranma...[drops newspaper] and Ranma's fiancee. [Akane looks at the article, then ki-flares.] Akane: RANMA NO BAKA! Ukyou: Yeah, I see the three of you walking through that wall over there... *** [Scene: Tendo-ke. Ryouga tries to make up with Akane.] Ryouga: I'm really sorry, Akane-chan. I didn't mean to explode at you the way I did this morning. I was just feeling...well, the way I usually do. Akane: [gently hugs Ryouga] That's okay, Ryo-chan. I was feeling bad, too. I'm still not over it, but I think I can live with it. Ryouga: Does Ukyou know? Ukyou [o.s.]: Hey there, pig-boy! Ryouga: ... Akane: I had to tell someone about it. I'm sorry, but it she's my best friend and all... Ukyou [o.s.]: [Makes oinking noises] Ryouga: ...I have...to go now. [He walks off.] Ryouga [o.s.]: FULL SHISHI HOUKOU-DAN! Akane: ... [Ukyou walks up to her and casually picks up a copy of Shonen Sunday.] Ukyou [still reading Shonen Sunday]: ...oink...oink...bwee... Akane: UKYOU NO BAKA! [Grabs a mallet out of hammerspace and beats her senseless with it. Then the Full Shishi Houkou-dan hits outside, and we see Akane and Ukyou struggling to keep their balance on the ground.] *** [Scene: The two of them are lounging around in Ranma's old room. Both are looking at some old anime tapes on the bookshelf.] Ukyou: Which mecha anime did you like better, Shinseiki Evangelion or Robotech? Akane: Evangelion. Ukyou: Why? Akane: It's got the better ending. The situation seems bleak, even after the 17th Angel is defeated. It's more realistic. All Robotech had was a really ditzy idol singer. *** [Scene: Tendo-ke. Ukyou is sitting in for Akane during a bathroom break as a customer walks in.] Customer: Have you seen my keys? Ukyou: No time for love, Dr. Jones! [Brushes past him] Customer: ...Stupid kids. *** [Scene: Ucchan's. Ranma, who just ran back from wherever he was training after he heard he was "engaged," is being held in a tight embrace from Akane.] Ranma: I had to come as soon as I saw the article. Did you know there's a hole in the side of the dojo? Akane: I know. Now what's this fiancee business about? Ranma: It wasn't my fault. I was trekking in China when I accidentally stumbled into some Chinese Amazon place and beat the crap out of a girl who was trying to take away my dinner. Next thing I know, she's all over me and her great-grandmother calls Pop, who told the news. I came as fast as I could. Akane: Thank you. Ranma: [Looks around] Where's Ucchan? Akane: Oh, she went off to Okonomiyaki Hut. Ranma: Huh? But she owns an okonomiyaki parlor! Akane: That's what I told her. *** [Scene: Ukyou at Okonomiyaki Hut, having a ball looking through menus and gleefully ordering ten thousand different types of okonomiyaki.] *** Can't think of anything else to write, so I'm gonna stop now. If anyone else wants to try their hand at this, I dare them to. The only other scene I could think of was from Mallrats. Check this out: Person passing Onna-Ranma: Nuku-nuku? Onna-Ranma [sending the person off with one swift punch]: Dick! And that's it. This has been a Product of My Imagination chu_bear@hotmail.com