The Epic Tale of the Legendary Crusade of the Blue Thunder, Kuno
Tatewaki, As He Forges His Own Path in the Downfall of the Resident
Demon of Nerima, Saotome Ranma, and Acquires the Affection of the
Lovely Tendo Akane and the None-Less-Than-Dazzling Pig-Tailed Girl.

[We were going to shorten it down to "Kuno Writes a Fanfic," but it's
amazing how a sharpened blade of wood can influence people.--ed.]

As heralded by The Legendary Kuno Tatewaki, the Blue Thunder of
Furinkan High; as edited and transcribed by the lowly peon [Hey!--ed.]
Lawrence Chu

A Product of My Imagination

It is to be understood that personages such as myself and the other
residents of Nerima, as well as other characters listed within, are
property of the legendary Takahashi Rumiko-sama, with the
understanding that she and her publishers have full rights to said
property.  We respectfully request that lawsuits be not held against
us; although the Kuno fortune is vast and could hire lawyers of
unmatched caliber, my editor, who would receive the blame, has not
my resources nor could not receive such legal assistance.

[He doesn't like me, so he won't give me any money.  Hence, I'm broke.
--ed.]

***

'Twas yet another lovely morn in the peaceful district of Nerima--the
birds, as they were, singing a particularly melodious melody of an
unnamed and free-flowing nature; the sun sparkling and highlighting
the various accents of the buildings, houses, &c., to their fullest
extent; and the gentle sound of the riverflow resounded through the
crystal air.

Unfortunately, the peace did not last for long; sounds of merriment
were interrupted by the uncouth noise of unmerriment, mostly being of
the argumental nature.  The cause of this would be that of the Evil
Demon Saotome Ranma, screaming punishment towards the Beautiful
Princess Tendo Akane.

'You shall obey my every command, being the peasant wench I know you
to be,' stated the Ebon Mystic Saotome; 'as befits someone of your
stature, you shall serve me in the way a peasant wench would serve
someone of my power.  You shall allow me to ravish you--nay, someone
like you could never even near to satisfy my desires, you unattractive

[At this point, Kuno offered repent to Akane through eight minutes of
repeated prayer.  Just so you knew.--ed.]

bloated ugly excuse for a member of the female gender!'  SAOTOME!  HOW
COULD YOU SAY SUCH A THING ABOUT THE BEAUTEOUS TENDO AKANE!  I SHALL
AVENGE YOUR WRONGING, AKANE-SAMA!  I COME TO SAVE YOU!

[I don't think that last part was supposed to be part of the
dictation, but he did neglect to say that it was off the record.  He
ran off and returned with a black eye ten minutes later.  When asked
about it he started to draw his boken, so I shut up.--ed.]

It was at this moment that a Mysterious Golden Mighty Figure of
Justice appeared amongst a furious storm of thunder and lightning.
'Whoso may it be?' did the Villain Saotome wonder, at the same time
as Tendo Akane, whose beauty could not be begun to be described when
compared to the finest roses and orchids in the world, set alight a
small smile of hope.

The Unknown Crusader Against All Persons Evil stepped down and a stray
lightning bolt illuminated his extraordinarily handsome face, striking
horror into the Generally Uncouth Saotome Ranma and delight into the
Marvellous Tendo Akane.  'Why, it's my saviour, Kuno Tatewaki!  Joy!
He shall save me yet!' were the words ringing in her mind; her eyes
lit up in the fact that her one true desire had come to save her.

'I shall save you upon this day, my dear rose,' intoned the Great and
Mighty Kuno Tatewaki with a deep, resounding voice which has melted
many a heart.  'Saotome, prepare to DIE!'

[I'm really, REALLY sorry about the single quotes.  He insisted.--ed.]

The Foul Sorceror Saotome panicked to no end; his wits and physical
skill no match for the Legendary Blue Thunder.  As he withdrew from
the battle more and more, being the coward he is, he succumbed to the
clearly superior blade of the Greatest and Most Just Kuno Tatewaki.

'I surrender!  You are clearly superior in skill to me!  I should
never have attempted to insult you in the first!  I am but a mere
flea; no, worse, a helpless blade of grass to your extraordinarily
Zeus-like stature!  I deserve to be killed immediately!  As a matter
of fact, to render my dignity null, I shall kill myself!'  And lo, he
struck himself dead by his own hand.

'You have saved me!' cried the Beauteous Tendo Akane.  'I shall gladly
date with you!'  'No,' intoned the Righteous Kuno Tatewaki, 'I shall
gladly date with YOU.'

At that moment, yet another figure made her presence known.  The Ever-
So-Delightful Pigtailed Girl ran up to the couple (a lovely couple
they were!) and hugged the Greatest Scientific Mind in the Universe

[At this point a spiky red-haired girl came out of nowhere and zapped
Kuno with a really strange-looking gun, then promptly disappeared.
After three minutes of glowing green, he continued.--ed.]

Kuno Tatewaki.  'I am free of that Evil, Evil, Evil Sorceror Saotome
Ranma and am free as well!  Whatever shall I do?'

'I shall date you both!' proclaimed the Legendary Kendo Champion Kuno
Tatewaki, to the joy of the ladies.  'Ay,' sayeth the...er...Lovely
Tendo Akane with a mischievous grin, 'and I know of a means to begin
our courtship...'

[In order to preserve this fic's "All Audiences" rating, this part of
the fic, including the 20-page lemon scene, had to be cut.  Apologies
to those who were looking forward to it.  And for those who were
wondering, the line "I'll show YOU what can be done with a pointy
stick" is not included.--ed.]

And so, after the jelly was cleaned up, the giraffe was heralded back
to the Kuno Animal Garden, and the pineapple bomb fragments were swept
into the river, the three of them lived happily ever after without
interference from the Mercenary Tendo Nabiki, who continually gave
him pictures of his beloved for his sacred shrine without charge; and
his sister Kodachi, who never attempted to poison anyone ever again.

The End.

***

Author's Postscript:

Please direct all inquiries toward this story and my excellent
narrative technique towards Lawrence Chu, whose contact list lays
below.  Suggestions are welcomed, as to improve upon perfection; those
who send non-contructive insults, or 'flames' as they are known, shall 
be hunted down to the ends of the earth with my boken.

Editor's Postscript:

It's not my fault.

This has been a Product of My Imagination
chu_bear@hotmail.com