Four kids, chosen at random to save the world from another race plagued by bad music, spend their spare time reading other people's stuff. Go figure. ROLL CALL! KIYAKUMA MAKIKO: "What do we have here?" KUJIGOKU SHIN: "Let's get this ball rolling!" TAKESHI UKYOU: "Bishounen power! I ain't a girl!" SAKAMOTO HANAKO: "...and to think I'm actually dating you..." >From: MalaspinaM@aol.com >Reply-To: MalaspinaM@aol.com >To: ffml@fanfic.com >Subject: [FFML][FF][R1/2] Nabiki and Ranma ½ >Date: Tue, 6 Apr 1999 07:27:38 EDT > >Hi! Quick update, for anyone who's awaiting the next chapter of No One my >Dark Pokemon fic (A guy can dream can't he?) I've run into a little snafu. SHIN: I guess it doesn't matter to me. Not like I ever read Pokemon. >So, that's going to be a while away. Sorry. Now, since I can't work on that >until I fix that problem I decided to work on another. This fic uses the >first idea I ever got for a fanfic. I think it's a pretty good idea still and >I hope I can do it justice. BTW any feedback would be appreciated. MAKIKO: Well, that's what we're here for. UKYOU: IT SUCKS! *WHAP* HANAKO: You haven't even read it yet. UKYOU: Yeah, I just wanted to get a rise out of the guy. MAKIKO: First off, I'd suggest cutting down the line breaks to every 70 or 75 columns. It's much easier to read that way. > > > The birds sang the leaves rustled in the wind and Soun Tendo wept >while reading a post card with a picture of a panda on the front. On the back >in neat handwriting was a message. UKYOU: Why does this seem familiar for some reason?... > >Dear Daddy, > Sorry, it's been so long since I've written but we recently found >ourselves in China searching for a legendary training ground Genma read about >in that training manual he got. You know the one where we got the Neko-ken MAKIKO: I think that should be "You know, the one where..." SHIN: So Ranma's mastered the Neko-ken. Cool. >from. Of course we didn't find this out until after so Ranma and I weren't >able to stop from going there. We'll explain more about that later though. >The reason I wrote is because I have great news. We're coming home! As a >matter of fact we should be arriving the day you get this. SHIN: I suddenly have the urge to make a joke about "snail mail..." > > > Love, > > Nabiki SHIN: ..."Love...Nabiki...Love...Nabiki..." Why do I get the feeling that these two words put together are contradictory? > > After he finished reading he cried more thinking to himself, *What >has Saotome done to my little girl now!* HANAKO: That sounds like Soun, all right. MAKIKO: Two punctuation problems. The first one is in the first line, which should be "...he cried more, thinking..." and on the second line, the sentence should end in a question mark. > > Nabiki and Ranma ½ > By Mike Malaspina UKYOU: Hey, dude, change the name! *WHAP* HANAKO: A little more tact, Ukyou-chan. Anyway, "Nabiki and Ranma 1/2" doesn't quite sound right. The only suggestion I can think of is something like "Nabiki + Ranma = 1/2" but that doesn't sound too good, either. > > Two human forms ran down the street. Hot on their heels was one large >definitely non-human form. As they reached the end of the street and entered >another more open one the two human forms, one a short, red headed girl, the >other a boy of medium height with brown hair, turned to face their pursuer. MAKIKO: Ano...so which one turned to face the pursuer? Ranma or Nabiki? >"There is no way I'm going home for the first time in ten years like this you >stupid, fat, old man!" screamed the boy. MAKIKO: That's "...ten years like this, you..." > > The larger form, a panda, 'Growf'ed and looked to be thinking. MAKIKO: A bit awkward, but it works. > > "Don't hurt yourself old man." mocked the young red head in a MAKIKO: "...yourself, old man." >falsetto voice. The panda took a fighting stance. The girl followed suite >smiling. The boy just sighed and mouthed "Why me?" The panda and girl began >to throw attacks and raise defenses at the same time. Still it only took a >minute for the much-outsized girl to kick the panda's ass. SHIN: This sounds like a simple list. Details! We need details! UKYOU: Same goes if you throw in any lemon scenes! *WHAP* UKYOU: Itai. HANAKO: Baka. [pause] SHIN: Anyway...It's a fight scene! Show it! For instance, you might want to write it something like: == The panda took a fighting stance, and the girl reciprocated, smiling the entire time. The boy just sighed and mouthed, "Why me?" And then the fighting started. The panda threw a mean left hook at the girl, who dodged and countered with a sweep kick which bounced off the belly of the panda. Then she rolled out, leapt in the air and aimed for the panda's head... == SHIN: You get the idea. > > "Ranma, not that Genma doesn't deserve it but why must you always >start a fight you know you'll win at the most inopportune times?" asked the >boy. > > "First off he does deserve it, the stupid bastard, and second now >that's he unconscious we can change back before going to your house." MAKIKO: "First off, he DOES deserve it...and second, now that he's uncouscious, we can..." Emphasize and punctuate. SHIN: You sound like my English teacher. *THWACK* > > The boy looked surprised then smug as he spoke, "Ranma, what a great >idea. I would have thought of it but there's a slight problem. UKYOU: Maybe you should change that to "Ranma, what a great idea! I would've thought of it but there's one slight problem." HANAKO: If this is the Nabiki I remember, she's going to be as sharp as possible. MAKIKO: Not to mention that you forgot an endquote. > > "Oh, what's that?" asked the girl sounding defiant. MAKIKO: "...asked the girl, sounding defiant." > > "How, exactly, do you plan to carry a panda until we find hot water?" > > "Ah, kuso." > UKYOU: [Hick voice] Yep, that be Ranma arright. Always a-thinkin' with his fists annot his maaaind. > -------------------- > > "Kasumi! Akane," rang out the voice of Soun Tendo, "I have wonderful >news! Come quick!" MAKIKO: Maybe it would be better as "Kasumi! Akane!" It seems more consistent. > > In the kitchen of the Tendo home Kasumi Tendo, eldest daughter of MAKIKO: That should be "Tendo home, Kasumi Tendo, eldest..." Don't forget that after phrases like that, you should put in commas. >Soun Tendo and the departed Kimiko Tendo dried her hands on a small kitchen MAKIKO: "the departed Kimiko Tendo, dried..." The same. UKYOU: Why does everyone say that her name's Kimiko? SHIN: Because they wanted it that way. >towel before going to see what her father wanted. > > Meanwhile in the Tendo's dojo Akane Tendo, youngest daughter of Soun MAKIKO: You just keep forgetting to put in those commas, don't you? This time it should be "Meanwhile, in the Tendo's dojo, Akane Tendo..." SHIN: And while we're on the dojo, maybe it would be better to refer to the place as the "Tendo Dojo" rather than the "Tendo's dojo." Just a thought. >Tendo and his late wife, was breaking another innocent brick into multiple, SHIN: That's funny...normally she goes for about three or four innocent bricks at once. UKYOU: I'd like to see someone break HER innocent-- *WHAP* >much smaller pieces and quite a bit of dust. When she heard her father's >voice she stopped and debated between setting up another brick or going to >see what he wanted. *It sounds important so I guess practice can wait.* > > -------------------- > > Kasumi and Akane sat across the table from their father. Akane's >yellow gi was a sharp contrast to Kasumi's modest sweater and below the knee UKYOU: Could you make that a "way-above-the-knee" skirt? *WHAP* HANAKO: Hentai. Anyway, "below-the-knee" would be better with dashes in between in order to make it an adjective. >skirt. Soun, looked at his daughters with evident pride, not for anything in MAKIKO: I can't believe I'm asking you to take OUT a comma. That should be "Soun looked at his daughters..." >particular he was just a proud parent, as he thought about how excited they MAKIKO: Maybe "He was just a proud parent" should be in parentheses. UKYOU: They're called "brackets." HANAKO: Outside America, they are. SHIN: So what are [THESE] called? [THESE] are brackets. UKYOU: Since when did you learn to use the Square Brackets of Power? SHIN: ...I was reading Controversial Jack again. >would be to see their sister again. > > "Girls, I got a postcard in the mail today and it says that your >sister Nabiki, her fiancee Ranma and my oldest, dearest friend Genma Saotome >will be arriving later today!" said Soun as both Akane and Kasumi gasped. > > "Oh, wow, how long has it been since Nabiki left anyway Dad?" >questioned Akane. MAKIKO: "...since Nabiki left anyway, Dad?" > > "Nearly ten years have they been on this training trip." he replied. UKYOU: [Yoda voice] "Nearly ten years have they been on this training trip. Strong with the Force, they are. Yes. Powerful Jedi, they will be." > > "Oh my, if they're going to be here today that means they'll need >dinner and I only have enough for the three of us! I'll need to go to the >market and buy groceries." exclaimed Kasumi. As she was getting up to compile >a list of what she needed a loud knocking came from the front of the house. >Soun jumped up to answer the door. Kasumi followed at a distance saying, >"That must be them." HANAKO: That sounds like something Akane would say. If you want Kasumi to say it, it would be something more like "Oh, my! I think they've arrived!" Or if you want Soun to say it (which he would probably do), have him weeping to the door and saying "It's them! It's them! They're here! They're here!" or something of the like. > > As Akane sat at the table she could hear the noise of reunions long >past due. She would have joined in but decided to wait. She was, now that she >thought about it, still a little mad that Nabiki had been chosen over her to >go on the training trip with Mr. Saotome and Ranma. Though she was very happy >over not being stuck with a fiancée, especially not a _boy_. She of course >immediately realized that the _only_ type of fiancee she or her sister would >have would be a boy. Unless she and Nabiki had more catching up than she >assumed. UKYOU: I wanna see them "catching up!" HANAKO: C'MERE, YOU! *Sounds of violence* SHIN: Hey, that's my department! > > The returning Kasumi and Soun broke Akane out of her thoughts. Right MAKIKO: I think you meant to say, "The returning OF Kasumi and Soun." >along behind them was a heavy set man wearing a white gi and handkerchief >over his head who looked a little older than Soun, a tall girl with brown >hair who she recognized as Nabiki from recent pictures. UKYOU: Recent pictures? Since when did Genma carry around a camera? HANAKO: He had one during the "Humiliating Photo-fu" part or the "Moxibustion/Hiryuu Shouten Ha" story arc. >Lastly was a short >red head that had to be Ranma. Though he looked very....girl-ish{1} and if UKYOU: Ooh, footnote. >Akane remembered correctly Ranma had brown hair and was as tall as Nabiki if >not a little taller. HANAKO: That sentence doesn't work. Do you mean that Akane REMEMBERED that Ranma had brown hair (which would be phrased like "Akane remembered correctly that Ranma...") or do you mean that Akane THOUGHT Ranma had brown hair (which would be phrased like "Ranma, if Akane remembered correctly, had brown hair, though, and was as...")? UKYOU: Actually, his hair's black. Very black. Ataru Moroboshi had brown hair. Yuusaku Godai had brown hair. Ranma has black hair. > > Before she could make an inquiry Soun grabbed Ranma in a bear hug >whilst exclaiming, "Ranma, it will be such an honor to have you in my >family!" Soun, suddenly looked a little pale. He squeezed Ranma's upper body MAKIKO: Drop that comma again. It should be "Soun suddenly looked..." >particularly against him and consequently fainted dead away. MAKIKO: Maybe that would be better as "He squeezed Ranma's upper body in particular and consequently fainted dead away." HANAKO: Still not detailed enough. I think you should explain WHY Soun fainted, for the benefit of those who haven't read Ranma 1/2. > > "Oh, my!" said Kasumi with her hand over her mouth. > > "Dad, are you okay?!" shouted Akane dropping down to her father's >side. > > "I knew I forgot something." Nabiki said with a sigh. SHIN: [snicker] > > -------------------- > > Kasumi gently applied a wet cloth to her father's head. After he had >fainted Ranma had apologized and asked for some hot water. When Kasumi had >returned with the kettle he explained everything. During the story everyone >conscious had shot at least one glare at Genma who by the end was sweating >bullets. Everyone turned his or her attention from Ranma to Soun as he moaned. > > -------------------- > > As Soun came to he decided he had been hallucinating. That had to be >it. There was no way that Ranma, Nabiki's fiancée that she loved so much and >constantly talked about in her letters and also happened to be Genma's son, >was a girl. Right? "Oooohh..." Soun moaned as he opened his eyes cautiously >to find his three daughters, his old friend Genma and a strange young boy >surrounding him. *Ah, so I was hallucinating! That must be Ranma!* he thought >as he smiled. > > "Sorry about that, Mr. Tendo," said Ranma looking sheepish, "I swear >I can explain why I was a girl." > > Soun fainted again. SHIN: [snicker] > > "Way to go Ranma. What have I told you about easing into things that MAKIKO: "Way to go, Ranma." >could give someone a heart attack?" scolded Nabiki slapping him in the back MAKIKO: "...scolded Nabiki, slapping him..." >of the head. UKYOU: That should be "ON" the back of the head. Unless she was feeling REALLY violent. > > Ranma rubbed the back of his head and smiled very sheepishly, "To do >it?" > > Nabiki didn't look amused but couldn't glare at Ranma for long. >Nabiki sighed. "Ranma, when Daddy wakes up this time why don't you just stay >quiet and let me explain it to him?" asked Nabiki in a tone implying it MAKIKO: "...in a tone, implying..." >wasn't a question. > > "All right..I'm s-sorry Nabiki. I didn't mean to blurt that out..." >replied Ranma hanging his head. MAKIKO: "...Ranma, hanging his head." > > The others just looked on. > > -------------------- UKYOU: I really think these dividers are set a bit too far out. Maybe you should put them against the left-hand side. > > Again Soun Tendo began to regain consciousness dead set on the fact >that he had been hallucinating. Again he moaned. And again he cautiously >opened his eyes. This time only his middle daughter Nabiki sat above him. HANAKO: I like that repetition with "again." > > "Hi, Daddy. How do you feel?" > > "Fine. But I do believe I've been seeing things." said Soun calmly >for a man who had seen first his future son-in-law have parts of the female >anatomy and second heard him say he could explain why he'd been a girl. > > Nabiki winced slightly. "About that, Daddy..." began Nabiki before >trailing off. *How to put this?* she silently thought to her self. > > "What about it?" asked the eldest Tendo now thoroughly confused and >looking the part. > > "You know that training ground I told you about?" > > "Mm hmm. What about it Nabiki?" > > "Well, as I implied we found it." MAKIKO: "...as I implied, we found it." > > "Okay, I can follow this." said Soun nodding. > > "After we found its location we went there." Nabiki said still trying >to figure out exactly how to tell him whenever she or her fiancee was doused >with cold water that they changed sexes. > > "All right. What happened next?" Soun asked prodding her on hoping >beyond all hopes that he hadn't _not_ been seeing things. > > Sighing Nabiki began to tell her father word for word, action for >action what happened when she, Ranma and Genma had arrived at Jusenkyo; the >training ground of cursed springs..... MAKIKO: Change that semicolon into a comma. > > -------------------- > > After months of searching all over China they had found it. Finally, >they were at the fabled cursed training ground of Jusenkyo. Genma was still >proud he had been able to trick Ranma and Nabiki into coming here. After all MAKIKO: "...after all,..." >she was a very clever girl and Ranma was catching on quick. Genma was of >course thinking of how he had paid a man to 'bump into him' and end up >telling him a tale of an amazing training ground off in the vast mountains of >China. HANAKO: Genma couldn't be that smart. UKYOU: Maybe he was thinking on a full stomach. > > "Ah, this doesn't look so bad Pop." Ranma said looking disappointedly MAKIKO: Two violations of the comma rule. Number one: "...this doesn't look so bad, Pop." Number two: "Ranma said, looking..." >at the springs with bamboo poles sticking out of them. UKYOU: Why would he look disappointedly at a training ground that he says doesn't look too bad? > > Nabiki just stared in disbelief. > > "Come on boy, it's not the training ground itself but how you use >it!" exclaimed Genma. > > "Then why did we _waste_ ALL that time looking for this specific >one!" roared Nabiki. > > Genma laughed nervously and changed the subject. "Uh, um, come on! >Don't tell me you're afraid." SHIN: Yep, that's Genma. > > Ranma sneered and jumped up onto a pole a few springs out, easily >balancing on one foot. "I ain't scared of nothing old man." MAKIKO: That's "...nothing, old man." HANAKO: I don't know, but don't you think Nabiki would've helped Ranma with his grammar? UKYOU: Probably not without a fee. > > Genma smiled as he too jumped up on top of a pole, "That's the boy I >raised! Nabiki get up here!" MAKIKO: "Nabiki, get up here!" UKYOU: So, Genma wants Nabiki to climb his pole and-- *THWAP* > > Nabiki sighed and followed muttering about the value of time. HANAKO: Maybe it would be better as "Nabiki sighed and followed, muttering something about the value of time." > > Were it not the guide's time of annual visit to town she would not >have. Speaking fluent Chinese _and_ Mandarin was the one condition Nabiki had >set down before leaving Japan. SHIN: Um, I hate to break it to you, but Chinese itself is NOT a spoken language. Mandarin is one of the forms of spoken Chinese. Other ones include (in rough order of usage) Cantonese, Shangainese, Fukien, and regional dialects. > > In seconds it was over. Two vengeful teenagers launched Genma into a >spring. Ranma, second to fall in a spring, was put there by pure shock as in >place of his fat, stupid, slow, old man hopping out of the spring was a fat, >black and white Panda bear. Nabiki was the third and final victim of Jusenkyo >that day. Though she had kept her wits about her she had not been able to >block the simple snap kick the panda at aimed at her stomach and as a result >went flying in the opposite direction of her just surfacing fiancee who now >had red hair for some reason. None of this registered, as Nabiki was too busy >staring at her flat, chiseled chest. > > "Ahhhhhhhhhhh!" screamed a very male voice that should _not_ have >been coming from Nabiki. UKYOU: Ah, Nannichuan. > > -------------------- > > As Ranma swam to the surface of the pool he pondered what exactly he >had seen. For he knew it hadn't been a panda. No. Now way. His father had >done something to him and he knew it, but what? He surfaced and immediately >felt something besides the whole panda thing was wrong. > > He laughed. *Heh, I've got tits.* UKYOU: You sure do! *WHAP* HANAKO: Hentai. SHIN: Did you read "Ill Met by Starlight?" It had a sentence remarkably similar to that one. >Ranma was still for a few moments. >As he heard a scream he decided to join in. "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!" rang out his >now female voice. > > -------------------- > > Genma was on the verge of tears. How could his son be such a coward!? >How could _his_ off spring be so cowardly as to fall backwards at the sight >of his _father_! *At least Nabiki is still a good student.* He took back the >thought as he saw her go flying after being hit with a kick a five year old >could have blocked. *Ahhh! I have brought nothing but shame to myself if >these are the students whom I have produced!* > > When he went to lecture them and it came out as a 'Growf' Genma >looked down at himself and was quick to do the best he could at joining the >two already screaming voices. HANAKO: Maybe you should put in his scream, for humorous effect. You know, something like: == ...and was quick to join the two already screaming voices. "Groooowwwwf!" rang out Genma's cry. === [pause] HANAKO: Okay, maybe that's not too funny. You get the idea, though. > > -------------------- > > "And, so, Ranma and I are now are cursed to change sexes when >splashed with cold water. Genma turns into a panda. Luckily for Genma's sake >the whole process is reset by hot water." finished Nabiki thinking of a way >to stop her father from killing Genma while not hurting him and still letting >him beat the snot out of Genma. UKYOU: I've seen this situation two or three times already and I always think to myself, "since they know where both the nannichuan and the nyannichuan are, why don't they just jump into the right springs?" HANAKO: It wouldn't be half as fun that way, would it? UKYOU: At least you could put in some reason they didn't. It'd make it that much more believable. > > ".....You change back with hot water?" asked Soun a creepy calmness >to his voice. > > "Yes." > > "And you love Ranma still?" MAKIKO: It'd be better as "And you still love Ranma?" > > "Of course Daddy!" said Nabiki indignant that her father thought MAKIKO: Two more comma errors. It should be, "'Of course, Daddy!' said Nabiki, indignant..." >something as stupid as a curse could hinder her feelings and judgment. > > "Then this isn't so bad after all!" shouted Soun. > > Nabiki's eye twitched rapidly before she face faulted. > > >1. Wasn't sure if bishonen was the right word to use here so I didn't. If it >is then pretend I did. UKYOU: Bisho(u)nen is a word used to describe men. Bisho(u)jo is what people use to describe women. Oh, and one more thing: Only one footnote? What's the point of numbering them, then? HANAKO: Consistency. UKYOU: There can't be consistency when it's just one footnote! [pause] Haven't we had this conversation before? > >So, what do you think? Is it good? Should I die numerous times? C&C if anyone >out there can give it would be welcomed open armedly. I have no preferences. >Flames, comments, criticism, public, private whatever! I just want to know >how I'm doing and whether or not anyone enjoyed this. If they have then I >myself will be greatly joyed because right after me all of you are who I'm >writing this for. Anyway, back to my slave labo..errrrr...school work. LAWRENCE: Yeah, I know what you're feeling. I should be going back to my schoolwork too. UKYOU: Who're you? LAWRENCE: Er...ahh...forget I was here. [poof] UKYOU: Who was that guy who just-- *ping* Ano...I feel like something just happened, but I can't remember for the LIFE of me what it was... >Hope >to hear from anyone soon. > > >******************************************************************** >* If I had a good quote or some nifty tag line I'd put it here * >******************************************************************** UKYOU: Ba-dum-bump! MAKIKO: That's the end of what we got! What do you guys think? HANAKO: Generally okay, I guess. Nothing too far OOC, but there are a few things that could be reworked a little. Give it another revision or two. SHIN: The one fight scene here ought to be redone. Also, if you're planning on making this a series, it'd be really great if you can pop some scenes in with the mastered Neko-ken. MAKIKO: Let me get this thing out first: REREAD YOUR LESSONS ON COMMA USAGE! [pause] Now that I've got that out of my system, I can say that you've got a nice story going here. If you revise it a couple of times, it can become a great Alterniverse fic. Keep working on it! [pause] Anything else, guys? HANAKO: No. SHIN: Nope. UKYOU: How about a gender-changing lemon-- *Insert sounds of violence* MAKIKO: ...well...I guess that's all we have for now. Bye!