Camping is a favored sport for many a person.  In Japan, camping,
although rare, is actually enjoyed more than one might think. For
instance, a group of friends could be pleasantly hiking through a
forest outside their hometown, and there could be one person who would
trail behind everyone else because they're holding all the baggage.

In this case, that group of friends would be hiking in a forest not
quite ten miles away from their hometown of Borutora, a small suburb
outside Kyoto.  And the one person with the baggage would be Kiyakuma
Makiko.  Who, by the way, happened to hate camping even if she enjoyed
doing stuff with her friends.

Her muscles were aching--she had been carrying all this luggage with
her since about...oh, the time they had started walking.  And since
they started walking from Hanako's backyard, that was quite a while
ago.  Oh, yes, she hated camping.

The simple fact was, she had pretty much reached the limit of even her
endurance.  Struggling and sweating, she could barely call out to the
others to wait up, or to help, or whatever.  Unfortunately, they were
too engrossed in their conversation to even notice that Makiko was
falling further and further behind.  Nor did they notice when she
finally slumped to the ground and decided to take a nap right there.

They DID, notice, however, when it started raining half an hour later
and all their gear was missing.  But that's best saved for later.

You see, a number of events happened at about that time in the area of
the forest that Makiko happened to be in.  For one, it started raining
there, too.  For two, the raindrops made her wake up and hunt for
shelter--in this case, a conveniently nearby cave.  For three, her
shirt was getting damper and damper by the moment.  This mysterious
phenomenon happens quite often to cute, raven-haired, 17-year-old
females with a fairly attractive build.  Which, coincidentally, Makiko
was.

Grumbling, she made her way over the fifty-meter distance to the cave,
mumbling about her hatred of camping and all things that put her at
one with nature, especially taking into account the fact that she and
her friends were supposed to be four with nature.  Still exhausted
with carrying all the backpacks and camping gear and such, she decided
to sit by the wall.

It was about that time that the interdimensional portal leading to an
alternate dimension full of adventure and excitement opened up where
the entrance to the cave once was.

Makiko really, really hated camping.

***

products of my imagination proudly presents
a completely random mechanime parody

mecha series nine

as written and created by lawrence chu
mecha design conceived by robin strickland

all characters and situations copyright lawrence chu. so take that,
viz.  booyah.

***

RECORD ONE: Genesis. (Does what Nintendo don't.)

***

Makiko was stunned.  She just stared at the thing like a deer would at
headlights--extremely mindlessly.  She could stare at that intense,
gazing white for minutes where to her it would actually feel more
like...um...minutes.

Oh, and she sweatdropped a little, too.

Another person might have dived into the portal expecting to lead a
life of danger, where everyone they'd meet they'd seem a stranger,
where every move they'd make would be another chance they'd take, and
odds'd be they wouldn't live to see tomorrow.  Makiko, however, was
a more practical person.  So she patiently waited for the portal to
go away so she could grab the camping gear and let it dry.

It didn't.

She considered poking it with a stick, which might've worked if there
were a stick about.  But there wasn't, so she tossed pebbles in to see
if they'd melt upon touching the portal.  Nothing.

She finally gave in five minutes later and, knowing that there wasn't
much of a choice, walked into the portal.

***

You can imagine your own surreal vision of islands and wonder and
intrigue here.  It doesn't take that much imagination.

Not that it'd matter, because Makiko didn't have anything like that
at all while going through the portal.

***

You can imagine your own surreal vision of forests and snow and awe-
inspiring vistas here.  It doesn't take that much imagination.

Now toss in a gargantuan thing about the size of an office building
under a mosquito veil and a foot-high dwarf-like creature, perhaps a
table or desk here or there, and a ceiling, and a bunch of really
funky-looking gadgets/waldos/doodads/gizmos and you have a vague idea
of what Makiko saw when she stepped out of the portal.  You might want
to add to your little imaginary composition the small number of pebbles
that lay at her feet.

Makiko continued looking around at this place, and wondered exactly
where she was.  The foot-high dwarf-like creature kept looking at her
expectantly for some odd reason.  Was there something she had to do?
Perhaps make some sort of gesture of greeting?  Was she supposed to
dress up like a chicken and run around the room making strange
grinding noises?  (If she was, Dopey there could forget it.)

She eyed the giant thing under the mosquito veil (or whatever it was)
with interest.  Whatever could it be?

Finally, after a few moments of intense nothing, the creature made
the first move and spoke.

###

Greetings.  I have been expecting you to come.  Your planet is in
extreme danger, and you must defend it with the three others who will
assist you.

My name is Matato Ha'kuno, hailing from the planet Puumba.  My people
are somewhat more advanced technologically than yours, which you have
no doubt noticed upon entering my abode.  We were a proud
civilization, until we received your transmission.

###

It looked at her intently.  She looked at It back.  It continued:

###

I see you remain silent.  It is almost as if you are aware of what
your people did to mine.  That single transmission killed half of our
population as it was broadcast.  It is because of this that my planet
wishes to destroy yours.

However, I do not blame you for your crimes, for I understand that you
never had intention of allowing us to receive a broadcast of an idol
singer via radio signal, and that you had no intention of harming us.
Unfortunately, the government I work for is not as forgiving, and I
fear that they are preparing troops right now.

You see, on my way to work about a year ago, I accidentally overheard
a segment of an official conversation taking place in a conference
room, and they discussed this very idea.  The minutes specifically
stated that they were planning on attacking Earth to, and I quote,
"blow stuff up.  Oh, yeah, we might want to enslave the Earthlings or
something."

Since then, I have constructed this lab outside of work and been
constructing this very tool for your use, as idol singing will no
longer work.  Hence, I present you this: The Mecha Series Nine.  It is
yours, as prophecied by the ancient Puumban lores.  Your friends shall
receive theirs in due time.

###

It took a deep breath and looked at her again.

###

Fascinating story, no?

###

It looked into her eyes with all the intent of a foot-tall dwarf-like
creature looking into the eyes of a cute, raven-haired, 17-year-old
female with an attractive build.  She looked back with all the intent
of a bored person.

###

You still remain silent.  Is this too much for you to handle?  I can
understand if you believe it to be...

Don't worry, everything will be--oh, damn!  I forgot to turn on the
translator device!  I KNEW I forgot something!

###

It diddled with a nearby device after the long speech.  What was it
doing now?  Trying to summon a 12-tentacled sex demon to force her
into compromising yet oddly arousing positions?  (Must be spending
too much time around Hanako's boyfriend.  Ugh.)  Sending Tokyo Tower,
the Empire State Building, Big Ben, the American Capitol building,
and the Eiffel Tower to their dooms by transmitting a countdown to
various floating coins from the isle of Yap that were readying Big
Honking Lasers of Destruction?  Perhaps it was--

"Greetings.  I have been expecting you to come."

--greeting her?  That'd...make sense, actually.  She listened to his
speech in full as he repeated it into the translator.

"...Hence, I present you this: a bucket of cherry wine."

Of course, machines can have their faults.

"...that doesn't look like a bucket to me.  You guys are weird."

#That's because it ISN'T.  It's your Mecha Series Nine!#

"That's because it ISN'T," translated the dull, tinny voice of the
machine.  "It's your bucket of cherry wine!"

Makiko sweatdropped.  "You're...not making any sense at all."

#MECHA SERIES NINE!  GET IT RIGHT!# Ha'kuno screamed.

"BUCKET OF CHERRY WINE!  GET IT RIGHT!" the machine screamed back.

"Ano--"

#&^$% ^$#%#$# &%^*!#$ $#^!$%&!!!#

"UNINTELLIGENT DIETY-REJECTED FORNICATING PART-EXCREM--" the machine
chirped obligingly before it went to the big product shop in the sky.
Which, given this lab's outdoorish appearance, might've been the
ceiling in this case.

The alien muttered something, looked in some sort of dictionary, and
wrote out the katakana "ME-KA-SHI-RI-ZU" and the number nine on a
piece of paper.

#Here you go,# Ha'kuno spat, pointing at the paper.  With each word,
he jabbed at the appropriate character on the sheet.  #Mecha.  Series.
Nine.#  He slammed the paper down on the desk and glared at Makiko.
#Got it?#

Makiko looked at the paper, sweatdropped, and nodded.

#Good.  Now, then...# Ha'kuno started rooting around the drawers in
the tables and desks and whatever, finally settling for something
that suspiciously looked like a clip-on microphone.

#Hope this'll work.  Better get another language pack soon, though,#
Ha'kuno muttered.

"I pray that this instrument will suffice.  I must find an improved
speech/vocabulary module when possible," the clip-on translated.

#*whew*,# exhaled Ha'kuno.

"The fact that this instrument works relieves me greatly," translated
the clip-on.

"..." remarked Makiko.

"Enough of this fun.  We must prepare you for your standard uniform
for synchronizing with your Mecha Series Nine," the translator chirped
as per Ha'kuno's remarks.

"...uniform?"

"I believe I am hearing my own voice repeated.  I did say uniform."
Hakuno opened a drawer and pulled something out.

If Dopey there believed that uniform could cover up her whole body,
she had a number of bridges to sell him.

Sweatdrop.

***

You haven't seen "fanservice-friendly" until you've seen this.

Essentially, the uniform was a one-piece white swimsuit with small
sleeves and pantlegs.  There were also transparent areas in...uh...
"strategic" locations on her body.  When asked about their location,
Ha'kuno had said that those were optical fibers that helped
synchronize her with the machine and yes, they absolutely, positively
had to be there.

"As is, nobody will be able to see you in this because you'll be in a
capsule the entire time.  You need not worry about people watching you
as if you were nothing more than an idolized figure."

"...right.  So where's this capsule?"

"In your general forward vicinity," Ha'kuno replied.  Most likely, he
was referring to the thing under the mosquito net or whatever it was.
This would explain why he suddenly unveiled the--

--huge fricking twenty-story-tall behemoth of a humanoid robot, which
was armed to the teeth and generally looked kickass from the feet
upward--

--missle launchers the size of 300-year-old oak tree logs, some giant
energy rifle with a barrel easily her height--

--giant Mickey Mouse ears--

--tons of slots that looked like they were designed to add on even
more weaponry and gadgets, turning it into a mechotaku's wet dream--

--rockets built into the boots which could probably leap ov--

--wait a minute--

--giant Mickey Mouse ears?

...well, there goes the wet dream.

***

//So what am I supposed to do while I'm in here?// Makiko asked
hesitantly from within the capsule.

"It's known as 'training,' Makiko-san," Ha'kuno replied.  "All the
controls are properly labeled; you should be able to figure out what
does what..."

//...Next time, maybe it'd be better if you wrote it in Japanese
instead of Swahili.  It might do me better, you know.//

"Not again...I'll reconfigure the language program right away, just
allow me a moment..."

***

//Okay, so lemme get this straight.  I've got myself a giant laser
cannon--// cue whining sound of a generator powering up-- //--a huge
missle-launcher device--// cue grinding noise of giant racks opening
up-- //--and what else?//

"That's about all the offensive weaponry aboard.  You also have the
only customizable chassis of all the Mecha Series Nines, as well as
the standard jumpboots."

//All right, then, what does this button do?//

"Which one would that be?"

//The big shiny red one labeled 'DON'T PANIC' in large, friendly
letters...ah, well.  Can't hurt to try, huh?//

"NO, DON'T--"

//*click*//

Cue Ominous Silence Before All Hell Breaks Loose.

"...I do believe I just wet myself."

***

"Um...sorry about the lab..."

Ha'kuno looked at one corner of the room, full of flaming wreckage
that was once the results of experiments long past.

"I'll keep in mind for next time that the big shiny red button that
is now labeled 'DON'T--PANIC' in large, friendly letters is the panic
button, okay?"

Ha'kuno kept on staring.

"Is this why you dubbed it 'Divine Death Blast?'"

If silence was golden, Ha'kuno would've been a billionaire.

"C'mon, it's not so bad...it's not like either of us got harmed or
anything..."

A cat came by and drank a tonic.  Get it?  Cat?  A tonic?  Catatonic?
HAHAHAHA, I kill me...ah, forget it.

After three more hours of animated conversation (that is, if you
consider Makiko waving her hands in front of Ha'kuno animated),
Ha'kuno finally snapped out of it.

"I would cry now, but I have no tear ducts," were the first words out
of his mouth.

Makiko, upon finally getting a response, blurted out "ListenI'mreally
sorryaboutwhathappenedtoyourlabitwasallanaccidentifthere'sanyth--"

Ha'kuno waved her off.  "I should have anticipated it.  As long as you
don't repeat this, it should be all right."

He moved over to one of the untouched desks and pulled out something
akin to a Dick Tracy wristwatch communicator with a small scren
slapped on.  "This is a transdimensional communications device.  As
long as the one you're trying to contact has something similar to
this, you can contact them regardless of what dimension they're on."

Makiko puzzled over this for a while.  "...how does it work?"

Ha'kuno looked straight at Makiko.  "Is it truly mandatory to
understand how it works?  Just consider that it does and that science
can be wonderful."

"...you're copping out, aren't you?"

"Absolutely.  Now leave me be as I clean up the lab that you've so
thoroughly sanitized..."

He pressed a button and opened up a portal.  "This should lead you
back to the region you came back from.  Keep in mind that time dilates
between dimensions, so don't be surprised at the amount of time that
might have passed since."

Makiko paused, thought about this, nodded, and stepped into the
portal.

***

She hadn't thought that only fifteen minutes would pass between here
and there, though.

I mean, who would've?  I sincerely doubt YOU would have.  It's very
disorienting the first few times around, even if you're expecting it.

Well, back to the story.  Anyway, Makiko stepped out of the portal
and back into the cave, where only fifteen minutes had passed since
she entered the thing.  Slumping down on the floor, she sat in the
dry cave waiting for the rain to clear up so that she could continue
her cam...ping...

...and all the gear was still out there, in the rain, too.  Probably
soaking wet, meaning...

Makiko really, REALLY hated camping.

***

Time passed, as it normally does, and Makiko and company eventually
found each other, dried off the gear, and finished their trip, ready
to enjoy just hanging around.  Makiko never got around to discussing
what happened; the entire thing just seemed so WEIRD.

Four months passed in Ha'kuno's lab since he had met the first MS9
pilot.  The lab was cleaned up, the MS9 fine-tuned, and everything was
generally under control.

Under control, that is, until he saw The Blip.

They found the prey, and they were gonna stalk.

***

Now would be a good time to keep in mind that time in Ha'kuno's lab
doesn't quite run in the same way as it does in our world.

***

Makiko spent a long, long night in the family furo after getting back.
There was absolutely, positively nothing better than unwinding after
such an painful experience.  She hated camping with a vengeance.

It would make obvious sense that the watch would finally respond now,
in this most embarrassing state of undress.  But it didn't.  Go fig.

Rather, the watch started beeping after she was finally done and just
wrapped the towel around her.  Not quite as revealing but just as
annoying as the former.

A portal opened for Makiko to enter through and get her ready for what
would happen next--namely, changing into her uniform and slapping
Ha'kuno around for seeing her in 'intimate clothing.'

Then she climbed into the cockpit and braced herself for the action
sure to come ahead.

***

Unlike the portal she used to travel in person, the portal that sent
the MS9 to the Earth involved a great deal of psychedelic colors and
noises swirling about her and Ride of the Valkyries blaring out of the
damn speakers in the cockpit.  But anyway.

After being thrust out of the portal, the MS9 touched down on the
ground of...was it Antarctica?  Siberia?  All that snow flurrying
about made it hard to figure...

...no matter.  Makiko flicked the button labeled "radar display,"
which subsequently caused the Mickey Mouse ears to rotate like crazy.
(Hey, everything on the MS9 had SOME purpose.)

A little subwindow popped up on the display, displaying the results of
the radar scanning about here and there.  Fiddling around with a
number of knobs, Makiko finetuned the radar until she saw a red blip.
(Everyone knows that red blips are enemies.  Don't ask why, they just
are.)

"Enemy sighted, fifty meters," she said aloud to nobody in particular.
Flicking off the safety, she readied her missiles against the
intruder--another twenty-foot mech that looked like...

...a huge rabbit?

Makiko just shook her head and waited for the missiles to lock on...

Ten seconds.

Sweat formed on her brow.

Nine seconds.

Her thumb hovered over the button.

Eight.

Her hands started shaking.

Seven.

She started idly whistling "Ride of the Valkyries."

Six.

Damn, that song was addictive.

Five.

Her hands shook more violently by the moment.

Four.

Her brow started furrowing intensely, as if she were on the one
question everyone got wrong on a test no matter how hard they tried.

Three.

Why was it just standing there?

Two.

She took her hands down in hopes that she could calm down.

One.

Having steadied her hand again, she placed it back on the stick.

Zero.

NOW.

Makiko pressed the button, letting fly a huge friggin' salvo of
missiles which destroyed the rabbit-mech-thing.

"WOOHOO!  WE'RE NUMBER ONE!" Makiko shouted to nobody until something
tapped on her shoulder.  Or rather, her mech's shoulder.

She had her MS9 whirl about only to be suckerpunched by a mech that
closely resembled her own.  Except it didn't have a Mickey Mouse hat.

The communicator in her cockpit activated, and the real-time
translator worked its magic as her opponent opened up the comlines.

//Just great!  Now I'm going to have to buy another decoy!//

Makiko picked her mech off the ground only to have it struck in the
'head' again.

//I HATE wasting money on decoys!  That's the third one this week!//

The opponent kicked her MS9 while it was down.

//EVERY SINGLE FORNICATING TIME I SCOUT OUT A PLANET!//

Makiko struggled to roll away and get up.  The various joysticks and
buttons weren't RESPONDING!  Dammitcomeoncomeoncomeon...

//Just because it's there does NOT mean that##########//

Well, at least she knew how to disable random banter on the comlink.
She continued trying to pick up the--AHA!  THERE!

Suddenly her MS9 leapt up and roundhoused the now-designated-as-Scout
(by the targeting computer) in the chin.

"You think YOU have it rough, buster?!"

Sock him in the jaw.

"I..."

Punch him in the stomach.

"...have had ENOUGH..."

Kick him in the crotch.

"...of being DRAGGED..."

Give him a Boot to the Head.

"...into STUPID SITUATIONS LIKE THIS!"

Slam the Panic Button.

Oops.

Suddenly thirty salvoes of missiles and a huge frickin' laser cannon
fired point-blank into the Scout, putting a picture of him alongside
the dictionary definition of "atoms; rendered into component ~."

After the smoke cleared, Makiko only had one thought running through
her head:

At least they weren't standing in Ha'kuno's lab.

***

"And you used the Panic Button?"

Makiko nodded.

Ha'kuno shook his head.  "If they registered a Panic Button attack AND
the destruction of a scout, they'll recognize that as resistance to
their empire of sorts.  We can expect more detachments to come about
soon...

"I'm afraid this is only the beginning for you.  But you WILL have
help along the way.  Three other pilots are listed in the prophecies,
and I see nothing that indicates that you will not be fighting
together, especially since I will be the one supplying them their
MS9s.

"I solely hope that all four of you can stand up to this empire that
believes itself to be wronged.  Now go and rest, you will need it for
any and all upcoming battles."

He opened up yet another portal and Makiko stepped through it.

Ha'kuno returned to the lab's supercomputer and punched a few buttons,
causing the twenty-foot monitor to activate and a screen displaying a
warzone to appear.  After a few minutes of ensuring that his troops
would march onward to victory, he saved his game of Ground Control and
looked for something else to do.

***

Makiko entered the furo once again.  Luckily her parents were out for
the evening so she didn't have to worry about being caught...

...a strange weekend it was.  Huge mecha, large brawls, the
anticipation of things to come...all of it, awe-inspiring.  And the
fact that she, SHE, was responsible for defending the planet had that
much more of an impact.

One large planet, with four mecha defending it.  And Makiko Kiyakuma,
a 17-year-old Japanese schoolgirl, at the helm.

She needed an aspirin.  And the world would likely need one too.

***

fin record one

***

Fun Fact:
Roughly 40% of the original draft of this chapter was typed either in
an airport or on an airplane.

Author's Notes:

I'm hoping to make this my trademark series, outshining my...er...
other trademark series, Special Ops Team 1/2.  This is hopefully going
to become a multi-part continuing series (though with the way I work,
it'll take forever before I create a new episode).

Anyone who remembers the original draft also knows that just about
everything here has undergone a major rewrite, with the noted
exception of Ha'kuno's speech.  So major, in fact, that I just retyped
the entire thing from scratch (with the noted exception of Ha'kuno's
speech--although some of it was modified, it was mostly cut-and-
paste).  After looking at the first draft with its blatant fourth-
wall breaking and fanboy jokes, I decided to see if I could actually
WRITE better.  And perhaps add more than fanboy jokes.  Hopefully it
worked, knock on wood. ^_^;

Well, that's about it for the first episode.  Next time, the second
MS9 pilot fights his way into the job!  Sorta.

Much kudos goes out to the original MS9's prereader crew as well as
the people on #improfanfic who helped me through the second draft.
(Y'all know who you are.)  Extra special thanks goes to Robin
Strickland for coming up with various mecha designs for the different
MS9s (he's the one that came up with the Mickey Mouse ears).  You
can't see them yet, so nyah. :P

Meanwhile, I'm outta here. ^_^

This has been a Product of My Imagination
http://pomi.sandwich.net/